Friday, Dec 22, 2017 • 20min
Episode 2 - Alicia Cairn
Play Episode
"Hello. It’s Alicia Cairn. Yes, THE Alicia Cairn. Whatever the hell that means."
Season 1, Episode 2.
With Alan Burgon, Megan Crain, Gianluca Iumiento, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa and Julia Morizawa.
Written by Philip Thorne.
Story editing by Oystein U. Brager.
Directed by Alan Burgon.
Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden.
For full credits see our website. ameliapodcast.com
The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning.
Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now.
The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network.
Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners
Website: ameliapodcast.com
Twitter: @amelia_podcast
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Talking about
Speakers
(2)
The Interviewer
Alicia Cairn
Transcript
Verified
Break
00:53
Congratulations! You've reached the Amelia project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. No, if you continue, there's no way back.
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01:10
Good choice and your life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax, leave your message after the beep.
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Alicia Cairn
01:25
Hi. It's Alicia Cairn. Yes, the Alicia Cairn, whatever that means, I don't, not anymore, which is why I need your help. Call me!
Share
Speaker 5
02:11
The Amelia project, by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden.
Share
The Interviewer
02:28
Well, pickle my willy and call me silly! Alicia Cairn! On roller skates!
Share
Alicia Cairn
02:33
Sorry first time. Ah, not very good, I'll pay for the damage.
Share
The Interviewer
02:40
Oh, don't worry, I was never too keen on all that Wedgwood gift from a client. Welcome to Amelia.. Grab hold of that chair!
Share
02:52
I think you'd better take those off.
Share
02:55
Yes.
Share
02:56
Here, I'll help you.
Share
02:59
It's such an honor to have Alicia Cairn in my office. The one and only Alicia Cairn. I've made tea just the way you like it. Empress Grey with a slice of lemon. I checked with my niece. She's a huge fan, knows everything about you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:17
What's that you're having?
Share
The Interviewer
03:18
This? Cocoa.
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:20
Can I have some?
Share
The Interviewer
03:21
Cocoa?
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:22
Yes, please.
Share
The Interviewer
03:23
But you're lactose intolerant.
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:25
Yeah. Can I have it with extra cream, please?
Share
The Interviewer
03:28
If, if that's what you want.
Share
03:32
The cream's from a can, I'm afraid.
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:34
Bring it on.
Share
The Interviewer
03:36
Can I ask you something?
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:38
Sure.
Share
The Interviewer
03:38
Why are you putting on that accent?
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:42
It's not really working, is it?
Share
The Interviewer
03:43
No
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:44
I was trying so hard. Can I have a bit more cream, please?
Share
The Interviewer
03:48
Certainly. Say when?
Share
Alicia Cairn
03:55
When.
Share
The Interviewer
03:56
Like I was saying, my niece never missed a single episode. Could I get your autograph?
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:02
Do you mind if I smoke?
Share
The Interviewer
04:03
I didn't think you smoked.
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:04
You have a lighter?
Share
The Interviewer
04:05
Here you go.
Share
04:12
Good lord. Are you all right?
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:15
I'm fine.
Share
The Interviewer
04:18
I don't think you're fine.
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:19
I can't stand tobacco.
Share
The Interviewer
04:22
Oh, neither can I. I'll let in some air.
Share
04:26
So could I have that autograph for my niece? Here's a pen.
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:30
Well, I…
Share
The Interviewer
04:31
It would mean the world to her.
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:34
Can you close the window? It's just, I don't want anyone to see me here.
Share
The Interviewer
04:38
Certainly.
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:40
Who should I make it out to?
Share
The Interviewer
04:42
Lorraine Fletcher.
Share
Alicia Cairn
04:44
I hope you can read it. I'm, I'm not used to writing with my left hand.
Share
The Interviewer
04:48
Oh, Lorraine will be so happy. She loves you, wants to hang out with you. She's so jealous of Tina and Trish. She loves every single episode. Even the ones where nothing happens. Alicia goes to the supermarket. Alicia tops up her bus pass. Alicia buys cat food. Alicia runs out of toilet paper. Alicia files her tax return.
Share
Alicia Cairn
05:09
The tax return one was very popular, 10 million views on YouTube.
Share
The Interviewer
05:13
People love you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
05:15
At the beginning, I thought I had to do stuff, you know, go far out, make an effort. Travel the world, eat cockroaches. Go
Bungee Jumping
off Niagara Falls
or Skinny-dipping
in Iran
. But the producers encouraged me to just be me. “Just live your life, ” they said. “Be yourself. That’s what people want. ”Share
The Interviewer
05:36
Your birthday parties were my favorite though. Test me.
Share
Alicia Cairn
05:40
What?
Share
The Interviewer
05:41
Go on. See if I can remember all your birthday parties. When did The One and Only Alicia Cairn first air?
Share
Alicia Cairn
05:47
Well, I signed the contract with R-TV when I turned twenty, so that’s 2003?
Share
The Interviewer
05:54
2003! 1st ever episode. The cereal themed party. You all came as cereal box characters. You were Snap, Trish was Crackle and Tina was Pop. Or was it the other way around.
Share
Alicia Cairn
06:05
No, that's right Snap, Crackle and Pop. I’ve always loved
Rice Krispies
.Share
The Interviewer
06:11
Rice Krispies
with Soy Milk
became a real crazy after that episode.Share
Alicia Cairn
06:15
It was a great party. Coco Monkey and Loopy Bee making out behind Captain Crunch’s back. Crunchosaurus Rex having a bowl of Weetabix soaked in Baileys. Fun times.
Share
The Interviewer
06:28
And when your Ex gatecrashed the party as Tony the tiger. No, that must have been planned.
Share
Alicia Cairn
06:35
Nothing on The One and Only was ever staged. The producers just let me live my life and stuck a camera on it.
Share
The Interviewer
06:42
What was your 21st birthday? Was that Barbarians and Librarians?
Share
Alicia Cairn
06:46
That was 22nd. Uh, 21st was the Communist Party. I was well into
Marx
.Share
The Interviewer
06:51
And
Vodka
.Share
Alicia Cairn
06:52
Yes, that too.
Share
The Interviewer
06:54
I'll never be able to unsee the sight of
Trotsky
throwing up on Engels.Share
Alicia Cairn
06:58
And
Rosa Luxemburg
giving Lenin
a blowjob.Share
The Interviewer
07:02
I don't think that bit made it on air.
Share
Alicia Cairn
07:04
Probably not.
Share
The Interviewer
07:06
23rd was mobsters and lobsters. 24th turtle-necks and
Tequila
, 25th?Share
Alicia Cairn
07:11
That was the
Rubik's Cube
party.Share
The Interviewer
07:14
I don't think I saw that one.
Share
Alicia Cairn
07:15
You'd remember if you had. Everyone came wearing different colored clothing, red trousers, yellow t-shirt, pink undies, green sweater. Then you had to swap bits of clothing until everyone was wearing the same color. You'll find it on YouTube.
Share
The Interviewer
07:28
26th, I remember that was The Nuclear Waste party.
Share
Alicia Cairn
07:33
Let's not talk about that one. Okay, I was going through a nihilist phase. Next one was fun though.
Share
The Interviewer
07:40
The “anything but cups” party.
Share
Alicia Cairn
07:42
Yeah,
Beer
is definitely meant to be drunk from Tupperware and Rose
never tastes the same again once you've drunk it from a Stormtrooper
helmet.Share
The Interviewer
07:51
28th was Hippies Vs Hipsters. 29th was sexy historical characters 30th... uh, I should know that.
Share
Alicia Cairn
07:59
You should. Everybody knows about the 30th.
Share
The Interviewer
08:03
Oh, dear. Of course. The Seven Deadly Sins.
Share
Alicia Cairn
08:07
You won't find that one on YouTube.31st?
Share
The Interviewer
08:10
Dictator disco.
Share
Alicia Cairn
08:12
Another controversial one.
Share
The Interviewer
08:14
Which brings us to this year's “what you were wearing when the police raided the brothel” party. Final episode, End of an era.
Share
Alicia Cairn
08:23
The One And Only Alicia Cairn will continue.
Share
The Interviewer
08:27
But without you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
08:28
Yes.
Share
The Interviewer
08:29
It will lose its appeal, don't you think?
Share
Alicia Cairn
08:31
The producers are trying to make the transition as smooth as possible. Anyway, Stacey Jones is used to playing me.
Share
The Interviewer
08:37
Yes, she was very good in Alicia Cairn in the movie. I actually forgot it wasn't you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
08:44
She went through a lot of plastic surgery.
Share
The Interviewer
08:46
But it's not just the physical likeness, she's really got you down to a t. the upward lilt at the end of your sentences, the wrinkling of your nose when you laugh, the way you fiddle with your glasses. It's incredible.
Share
Alicia Cairn
08:60
Shall I tell you a secret?
Share
The Interviewer
09:02
Secrets is what Amelia is about.
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:05
In Alicia Cairn Cooks Christmas Dinner. It wasn't actually me, it was Stacey Jones.
Share
The Interviewer
09:11
No way.
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:12
It's true. I had a stomach bug. I couldn't face the smell of Turkey and sprouts. But the show had to go out.
Share
The Interviewer
09:19
Having it on in the kitchen as you stuff your turkey is tradition.
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:23
That's what the producers said. So they got Stacy to stand in for me.
Share
The Interviewer
09:26
Really? I could have sworn it was you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:31
Well, as you say, she basically is.
Share
The Interviewer
09:33
What?
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:34
She's me.
Share
The Interviewer
09:35
No, she's not.
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:36
I thought you said she had all my mannerisms.
Share
The Interviewer
09:39
Yes, mannerism,
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:40
My facial expressions, my gestures, my voice.
Share
The Interviewer
09:43
That doesn't-
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:44
She even has the same shoe size as me. Same bra size, same height, weight and build.
Share
The Interviewer
09:49
Okay. But that-
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:50
She uses the same deodorant, the same toothpaste and hair conditioner.
Share
The Interviewer
09:54
Now, that really doesn't'-
Share
Alicia Cairn
09:55
She hiccups like me. She sneezes like me, coughs like me. She has an itch two centimetres above her left brow, exactly where I do, and she scratches it with her ring finger, just like me. Her farts smell the same as mine and when she orgasms she makes exactly the same noises.
Share
The Interviewer
10:12
None of that makes her you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
10:14
It doesn't?
Share
The Interviewer
10:15
No, you're in front of me.
Share
Alicia Cairn
10:17
Are you sure?
Share
The Interviewer
10:18
What do you mean, am I sure? You've been on my TV for 13 years? I know it's you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
10:24
Alicia Cairn doesn't
Roller-skate
.Share
The Interviewer
10:26
You weren't exactly a pro back then.
Share
Alicia Cairn
10:28
Alicia Cairn doesn't eat dairy or smoke. Alicia Cairn doesn't have a Southern accent. Alicia Cairn isn't left-handed. Alicia Cairn doesn't work.
Share
The Interviewer
10:39
Okay. Okay. Okay. But all that's insignificant.
Share
Alicia Cairn
10:42
My behaviour, my tastes, my habits, my quirks, the way I speak and dress, my beliefs. All that's insignificant?
Share
The Interviewer
10:52
It's not what makes you, you.
Share
Alicia Cairn
10:54
What does make me, me?
Share
The Interviewer
10:57
Look, I'm sure all of that stuff plays a part. But even though you're not behaving like Alicia Cairn, I still go, hey, there's Alicia Cairn.
Share
Alicia Cairn
11:07
Uh, It's the body, isn't it?
Share
The Interviewer
11:10
What?
Share
Alicia Cairn
11:10
I wanted to think we're more than just flesh and bone. But at the end of the day, I can change every damn thing about me. But as long as I'm still in this body, it's me.
Share
The Interviewer
11:21
You're going through an identity crisis. I don't blame you. It must get confusing being Alicia Cairn, oh my God, my niece probably knows you better than you do. I mean, give her a date and she can tell you what type of pasta you ate that day, or what brand of bin-liner you bought.
Share
11:37
You exist on a million computer screens and in a million minds and imaginations. On top of that there’s all the merchandise, the Alicia Cairn doll, the action figure, the one with the wobbly head everybody has in their cars. Then there’s Alicia Cairn the anime character, the Alicia Cairn parody version on Saturday Night Live, and Stacey Jones playing you in the movies. I can see how you can lose grip of your identity.
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:03
My identity doesn't belong to me anyway.
Share
The Interviewer
12:07
What do you mean?
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:08
When I signed the contract with R-TV, I sold them the exclusive rights for Alicia Cairn.
Share
The Interviewer
12:14
But you no longer work for our R-TV.
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:16
No, but they still own the rights.
Share
The Interviewer
12:18
The rights?
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:19
Yeah. To my identity.
Share
The Interviewer
12:21
What?
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:23
My lawyers looked into it. There's nothing I can do.
Share
The Interviewer
12:25
They own the rights to your identity.
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:28
I shouldn't have left the show.
Share
12:31
I wasn't unhappy or anything. I just wanted to change. You know, I've been doing The One And Only for 13 years. I wondered what life away from TV would be like. But I didn't think it through. I didn't realize I had signed away my identity.
Share
The Interviewer
12:48
That's, that's crazy.
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:50
And you know the worst part?
Share
The Interviewer
12:52
There's a worse part?
Share
Alicia Cairn
12:53
Now that I no longer work for our R-TV, they're threatening that if I carry on being Alicia Cairn, they'll sue me.
Share
The Interviewer
13:00
Well, butter my buttocks and pepper my pecker!
Share
Alicia Cairn
13:04
I can't go back to the show. Stacey Jones has already signed the contract. It's too late.
Share
The Interviewer
13:10
So you're in the mother of all pickles.
Share
Alicia Cairn
13:13
I have to escape my identity?
Share
The Interviewer
13:15
Oh God, there's that accent again.
Share
Alicia Cairn
13:17
I thought if I changed every single thing about me, I could leave behind my identity.
Share
The Interviewer
13:24
Do you want us to help you?
Share
Alicia Cairn
13:26
I can no longer be Alicia Cairn.
Share
The Interviewer
13:29
Okay. First off, drop the accent, for good. You can't escape your identity purely by changing your behavior. We've established that.
Share
Alicia Cairn
13:39
Yes.
Share
The Interviewer
13:39
We've also established the answer seems to be a new body.
Share
Alicia Cairn
13:42
It seems so.
Share
The Interviewer
13:43
I have a solution.
Share
Alicia Cairn
13:44
Really?
Share
The Interviewer
13:46
Piotr Kozlowski. Our surgeon. He’s the best on the planet. Problem is, he’s bored. Bored with performing minor cosmetic surgery.
Cecil Beaton
called boredom the world’s worst crime. I really really really really really really hate boredom!Share
Alicia Cairn
14:02
What's that got to do with..
Share
The Interviewer
14:03
We need to give him a challenge.
Share
Alicia Cairn
14:06
What do you have in mind?
Share
The Interviewer
14:08
We'll get Kozlowski to replace your liver. Your kidneys, your heart, your lungs, your intestines, your pancreas, your blood, your facial tissue, your ligaments, replace everything with synthetic parts.
Share
Alicia Cairn
14:20
He can do that?
Share
The Interviewer
14:22
Patients have organ transplants and blood or hormone transfusions all the time. It's just a question of replacing everything.
Share
Alicia Cairn
14:32
And then it will no longer be me?
Share
The Interviewer
14:35
My dear. How can it be? It'll all be new.
Share
Alicia Cairn
14:39
But you just said yourself, people replace bits of their body all the time.
Share
The Interviewer
14:43
But not the whole body.
Share
Alicia Cairn
14:45
Yeah, but at what point does it stop being me? Replace the heart, It's still me. Replace the tonsils and the bone marrow, It's still me. Replace the salivary glands and suddenly it's not? I don't understand when the crossover would happen.
Share
The Interviewer
14:58
You think it would still be you?
Share
Alicia Cairn
14:60
I think it might.
Share
The Interviewer
15:01
Well, sprain my brain and call me insane
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:05
Hang on, that's it. The brain. That's what makes Alicia Cairn, Alicia Cairn.
Share
The Interviewer
15:12
Where your brain goes, You go.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:15
I guess.
Share
The Interviewer
15:16
So, It's obvious,
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:17
Is it?
Share
The Interviewer
15:17
Of course.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:18
What?
Share
The Interviewer
15:19
We'll remove your brain.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:20
Stop. I want to see this Kozlowski guy's credentials.
Share
The Interviewer
15:24
No.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:25
Why not?
Share
The Interviewer
15:26
Because he doesn't have any.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:27
You said he was the best.
Share
The Interviewer
15:29
He is.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:30
Without credentials?
Share
The Interviewer
15:32
Look, everyone who works for us has disappeared. I can't reveal anything about Kozlowski's previous life.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:39
So he's not really called Kozlowski?
Share
The Interviewer
15:42
He's called Kozlowski, and his first job was with Amelia. That's all you need to know.
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:50
I don't know how I feel about...
Share
The Interviewer
15:52
Do you want to escape your identity or not?
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:55
Yes.
Share
The Interviewer
15:56
Good.
Share
15:58
So where were we?
Share
Alicia Cairn
15:60
He'll remove my brain.
Share
The Interviewer
16:02
Yes. First your brain then Stacey Jones' Brain.
Share
Alicia Cairn
16:06
Stacey Jones?
Share
The Interviewer
16:07
Then he'll swap the two around and seal back up your heads.
Share
Alicia Cairn
16:10
What the hell?
Share
The Interviewer
16:11
Kozlowski gets his challenge. you keep your identity without breaking the contract, for Stacey not much changes, after all your bodies are the same, R-TV keeps its flexibility the two of you can still stand in for each other, Amelia gets paid, and we all get to crack open a bottle of champagne.
Share
Alicia Cairn
16:29
My brain in Stacy's body and Stacy's brain in mine.
Share
The Interviewer
16:32
Yes, but they're identical bodies.
Share
Alicia Cairn
16:34
And which one am I again?
Share
The Interviewer
16:35
Alicia Cairn.
Share
Alicia Cairn
16:36
Alicia Cairn.
Share
The Interviewer
16:37
Champagne? There's no situation that isn't improved by a glass of
Veuve Clicquot
.Share
Alicia Cairn
16:44
I think I might need something stronger.
Share
The Interviewer
16:46
You're going to love this.
Share
Alicia Cairn
16:48
Trust me, can we drink it from a
Stormtrooper
helmet.Share
The Interviewer
16:51
Will a cycle helmet do?
Share
Alicia Cairn
16:53
What about the holes.
Share
The Interviewer
16:54
We'll have to drink fast.
Share
16:57
I've always been a fan, but now I really feel I've got to know you. I propose a toast to the one and only Alicia Cairn. Cheers.
Share
17:09
Cheers.
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Speaker 5
17:13
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions, in association with OpenHouseTheater Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Megan Crain as Alicia Cairn, and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. You heard Gianluca Iumiento as Joey, and Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore.
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17:36
It was written and edited by Philip Thorne and directed by Alan Burgon. Music and Sound Design by Fredrik Baden, Graphic Design by Anders Pedersen, production coordination by Julia C. Thorne. This episode was recorded at TonGeber Studios with the assistance of Gabriel Geber. Sound effects from FreeSound. Individual Attributions on our website.
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17:58
Today’s Shoutout goes to: The Bright Sessions, which stars the wonderful Julia Morizawa who you can hear at the beginning of each Amelia-episode. If you enjoy our show, we think you’ll love The Bright Sessions, which is available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever you get your podcasts.
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18:18
I shouldn't really be telling you this, but guess who just came to my office? No, no, younger. Older. Okay, I'll give you a tip.
Rice Krispies
. Yes, I swear it's true.Share
The Interviewer
18:43
Well, I can't tell you that, but yes, she was in my office. No, I'm not kidding. She even did that scratchy thing she does with her ring finger, you know, I know, I know, I was like, holy mackerel. It's Alicia Cairn, the cropped brown hair, The twitchy eyebrow, that blinky thing she does when she takes off her glasses. The mole on her left hand. The way she did. What?
Share
19:13
She doesn't have a mole on...? Are you sure?
Share
19:19
Well then, who the hell... I got to go, We have a situation! Oh! Shit shit shit shit, What an idiot! You know. At least you care about that mole on her left hand. She's never had a mole on her left hand.
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Speaker 7
19:31
The fable and folly network where fiction producers flourish. This is Johnny and Welcome to Season two of Harlem Queen. Thank you for listening. The season picks up with the search for Michelle. You are listening to the Floyd. J kelvin program and now straight to the headlines. Manhattan debutante and socialite Michelle Mondesir has been kidnapped from her Connecticut boarding school. There is a tri state search for mademoiselle man who is 15 years of age, Caucasian and was last seen yesterday evening going to her dormitory.
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Speaker 8
20:12
Stephanie is frantic, and she risks all in order to find her missing daughter. We will find Michelle. There are troopers all along in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. How ways that's not enough madame, Stephanie ST clair posted a $10,000 reward for information that leads to the safe return of Miss Monday's here.
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Speaker 9
20:33
You need to take down your award, Stephanie.
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Speaker 8
20:35
I really not. Those no good couples already thinks she's dead. The connection between the debutante in the numbers, Queen is unclear and Stephanie still has to contend with luciano and Schultz plotting to push her out of her own turf word on the street.
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Speaker 9
20:53
Is that it Schultz? Who cares about Awards colored girl? This one is White Fifth Avenue, debutante. A lot of money. Well connected. And I want to find out why Stephanie is so fixated on the girl. Stephanie is highly invested in her safe return. What do you need me to do? I need you to cheese it. What about ST clair? You tried to clip her twice. Is she pushing up daisies? No, we're gonna get her another way.
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Speaker 8
21:25
Even Halston is suspicious. Is he truly a friend or a foe?
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Speaker 10
21:30
She's putting herself behind the There's something I need to find out. In the meantime, someone has to decide if you have no power in this case, Stephanie.
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Speaker 9
21:42
In fact, you're a liability.
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Speaker 8
21:44
I will do everything in my power to get her home safe and sound. Listen Up for season two. Harlem Queen is a recipient of the lower Manhattan Cultural Council's Creative Engagement Grant. And once we all get through this safe and sound, we will have a live radio show of Harlem Queen. This fall more episodes to come, take good care and stay well.
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🇮🇹 Made with love & passion in Italy. 🌎 Enjoyed everywhere
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Alicia Cairn
The Interviewer