Tuesday, Sep 14, 2021 • 26min
The Caregiver Squeeze
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As couples have children later and their own parents live longer, women, in particular, don’t have time or money to spare. And for parents who were caring for both their children and their parents during the pandemic, coronavirus came with even more obstacles. Today's guest had to dip into her emergency savings when she found herself working from home with three unexpected officemates: her two children and her father. As she finds her financial footing amid the new normal, she needs to recuperate her emergency fund while making sure she's setting up herself, her kids, and her parents for financial success.
Expert: Bola Sokunbi of Clever Girl Finance
For more on the topics covered in today's episode, visit glamour.com/money. To find a financial planner to help you make money moves, visit cfp.net.
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Bola Sokunbi
Samantha Barry
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Break
00:14
That's the biggest cost. Is when he falls, I have to find emergency childcare, I have to ask my nanny if she can come over so I can take care of him, or scramble up to feed the kids and give them something to eat, so I can go check on him.
Share
Samantha Barry
00:35
I'm
Samantha Barry
, the editor in chief of Glamour
. Welcome back to She Makes Money Moves.Share
00:42
You might have heard the term "the sandwich generation". It refers to people who are caring for both a parent and a child at the same time. And according to
the Pew Research Center
, it applies to nearly half of Americans in their forties and fifties.Share
00:58
47% of adults in that age bracket are financially supporting a parent as well as a child. And more often than not, the burden of that support falls on women. Depending on the analysis, between 60 and 75% of caregivers are women.
Share
01:16
Starting in 2020,
Covid
made dual caregiving even harder. As office workers were told to work from home and schools went virtual, childcare became a 24/7 responsibility for parent. And for parents who were also caring for their own parents, Coronavirus
came with even more obstacles.Share
01:38
Today's guests grew up in a multigenerational household. So she was already keenly aware of the stress that came with mutual caregiving, but nothing could have prepared her for what 2020 had in store. This is her story.
Share
01:53
My name is Christine Michelle Carter and I'm in
Baltimore,
Maryland
.Share
Samantha Barry
01:58
Christine, who's now 35, grew up living with grandparents and her mother, who was a divorced single mom.
Share
02:04
Growing up in a multigenerational household and having my grandparents being the silent generation, and living through
World War II
and having to scrap and reuse items, I kind of grew up with that mindset in the 90s, which was very, very odd. So my friends used to make fun of me about how cheap I was. Until this day, they make fun of how cheap I am.Share
Samantha Barry
02:27
Her parents treated money very differently.
Share
02:30
My mother to this day has a relationship with money, and it's based off of the fact that she was the 5th of b children. So she had to deal with a lot of hand-me-downs, and she doesn't operate that way. At 57 years old, she has about 200 pairs of shoes and houses that she doesn't even occupy. So my mother's relationship with money is pretty problematic.
Share
02:58
I didn't grow up with my father in the house but. my father was in my life. His mantra is actually that they print money every day. Both of my parents have horrible spending habits.
Share
Samantha Barry
03:09
So Christine took control of her finances early on.
Share
03:12
I Was 12 years old and I worked in a funeral home and, yeah, I have a weird life, don't I? But I remember my paycheck went to my cell phone bill, and it was expensive. It was like $300 phone bill. But that's what it went to.
Share
Samantha Barry
03:30
Even though she was careful with her money, when Christine was ready to move out of her mother's home, she made a major financial misstep.
Share
03:37
When I was 19 years old, my father co-signed for me to buy my first condo. My parents didn't want me living in an apartment, but for some reason felt like me having an astronomical mortgage was better. My father didn't pay any part of my mortgage. I bought the condo prior to the recession and then couldn't sell it for five years because no one wants a one-bedroom condo and it was a recession.
Share
04:05
So the first couple of years of my twenties were really hard, because I was really working 40 hours a week, trying to go to school to pay a mortgage, and racking up a ton of debt. Credit card debt, personal debt, you name it.
Share
Samantha Barry
04:21
At the same time, Christine also got her first salary job. During her senior year of college, she was hired as the director of marketing at a regional jewelry and collectibles retailer.
Share
04:32
The company had never had a marketing department. So I had to send a 40 page proposal as to why I thought the CEO should make me the director of marketing. And in it, I was requesting $40,000 for my salary and he told me that nobody would pay me that amount of money, $40,000 a year.
Share
Samantha Barry
04:49
So Christine took the job for $26,000. She stayed for about two years before leaving to launch her own marketing consulting firm and later moved on to full-time marketing jobs at national companies. Today, she's a senior product manager for a food brand and makes about $120,000 a year.
Share
05:09
While making professional strides. She also got married, welcome to children and then got divorced. The divorce threw her off balance, both emotionally and financially.
Share
05:19
So I learned pretty quickly what all of that stuff meant, what premiums meant and how much the budget, but I was an absolute mess and crying every night about having to do it on my own. But I did it, just like every other single mom in this world does. I always am maxing out when it comes to my flex spend and also my dependent, like, my nanny care. Because it's just so expensive.
Share
Samantha Barry
05:46
Christine has always been careful with money. Remember she said she was the cheap friend when she was growing up. After the divorce, she was even more careful, but nothing could have prepared her financially for 2020.
Share
05:60
In August of last year, in the middle of the pandemic that upended everyone's lives, Christine became her father's caregiver. At first, he was living about an hour away but she wanted him closer so he eventually ended up in an apartment that was minutes from her home, so she could get to him quickly in case of emergencies.
Share
06:19
And over the past year the emergencies have just accumulated to every week.
Share
Samantha Barry
06:25
It was in August of 2020 that Christine's father was hospitalized following a series of falls. There, he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and inflammatory disease. Before Christine's father was released from the hospital, they were told he couldn't live alone while he was in recovery.
Share
06:41
So following a week-long hospital stay, Christine's father moved in with her and her children, who were nine and 6 at the time. That same week, just before the first day of school, the district announced that the school year would start off virtually.
Share
06:55
I am a planner and prepared by nature, so I tried to hire a nanny beforehand. She had come to visit the kids. she had spent time with them. First day of school comes, no call, no show. Can't find her, can't get her on the phone, nothing.
Share
07:09
Meanwhile, I am trying to navigate virtual schooling with my kids, work a full time job, get my father to his appointments, because after you're released from the hospital, you still have to go see your primary care physician. So he had appointments the very next day and picking up prescriptions, and it was a logistical nightmare. I didn't think I was going to survive the day.
Share
07:31
More on She Makes Money Moves right after this break.
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Break
Samantha Barry
08:30
I'm
Samantha Barry
, welcome back to She Makes Money Moves.Share
08:33
Over the course of one very eventful week, Christine had become a full time caregiver for her father and learned her kids' school would be virtual. She'd been working from home since February 2020 and now had three unexpected office mates in her work from home space.
Share
08:49
After about a week she found a nanny to oversee the kids during virtual school, and after a week-long recovery, her father was cleared to move back into his own apartment. But even as she regained some of her time and living space, the cost of caregiving remained.
Share
09:05
I did dip into my savings and pretty much depleted that so that I could have a nanny. I'm definitely not somebody who can afford to have a nanny.
Share
Samantha Barry
09:13
Now the immediate pressure is off, Christine is trying to figure out how to put money back into that savings account.
Share
09:19
I would like to replenish my savings and I also would like to save about $200 per kid. I think it's what my financial planner said for them to go to school, for college. My kids and I have a deal, where if they pay for the first two years of the community college, that I will pay for the second two years of university.
Share
09:43
So I would love to be able to balance giving my kids experiences, but also saving accordingly for the future, for them to go to college, for me to have a rainy day fund. What affairs would I need to get in order? What documents should I already have in place from a legal perspective that impact my finances and my kids' future?
Share
Samantha Barry
10:18
To help us get some answers, let's welcome today's expert, Bola Sokunbi. She's the CEO, the best-selling author and founder of Clever Girl Finance, and she's a certified financial education instructor. So she, you've gotta listen up, because she's got all of the knowledge here today. Thanks so much for joining us, Bola.
Share
Bola Sokunbi
10:42
Thanks for having me.
Share
Samantha Barry
10:43
So, let's talk about Christine's story, because it's an interesting one. She's got two kids and she's kind of caught between both worlds where she's in the middle of being a caregiver to her father, trying to set herself up and her children for a better financial future. So, first question, how can she set her father up for success?
Share
Bola Sokunbi
11:01
I've talked to hundreds of women who are in that position of being the primary caretakers, being the sole providers, being the breadwinners. And for Christine specifically, when it comes to her dad, I think there is an opportunity to really help her dad get his finances in order, especially when it comes to his care.
Share
11:19
So she would want to look into what type of insurance he has, from health insurance to life insurance. Are there any additional policies they can add on for him? She can also start exploring with her dad long-term care, because it does sound like he needs significant help from her.
Share
11:38
And then just really having a conversation with her dad and letting him know what her overall financial obligations are, especially given that she has two children, and being able to have that conversation in terms of, you know, dad, this is what's going on. this is how I'm going to be able to help you. These are the things I want to explore to be able to get you the care you need.
Share
11:58
And putting that stuff on the table so it doesn't feel like she's trying to control him or make decisions for him or not involve him in decision making.
Share
Samantha Barry
12:06
She's trying to juggle three financial futures, right, Bola? It's her father's financial future, it's her personal financial future and it's the financial future of her children. Who or what takes priority here?
Share
Bola Sokunbi
12:19
I can imagine that is exhausting because she's working full time, she's taking care of her kids, she's taking care of her dad, and then she has the financial matters in addition to the household matters to worry about. So I definitely sympathize with her there.
Share
12:32
And in terms of prioritizing, you know, I would put myself first if I was in Christine shoes, because if she's not well, if she's not together, nothing else works. If she's struggling, if she's feeling financial strain, that's going to impact caring for her dad and impact caring for her children. So I would definitely have her prioritize her well-being first.
Share
12:52
And she should start exploring opportunities to create long-term plans around her finances because it sounds like she does make a decent income. She makes $120,000 a year, and I did some quick math and the expenses that she shared with us came out to about approximately $70,000.
Share
13:08
So there's that room there where she can start to explore putting money aside for emergencies, putting money into her retirement savings account, getting life insurance, because she has these two dependents and even her dad.
Share
13:21
I'm getting disability insurance in the event that she's unable to work. And then since she is already feeling overwhelmed by all these decisions, I think she is in a really great position to have a conversation with a financial professional.
Share
Samantha Barry
13:34
Where's the first place she can go? Because I think sometimes when people think hear financial advisors they're like "I can't afford that, I can't, I can't even look after my finances!" There's cost-effective ways of doing that, right?
Share
Bola Sokunbi
13:45
Exactly. So, you know, a lot of people, they associate financial advisors or financial planners to high networth individuals, right? People who just have someone managing their money and they give them a little, you know, here's money you can go spend, we'll take care of everything else. But that's not the case, right?
Share
13:60
For an individual financial planner can really be someone to help you create your plan based on your goals, help you find clarity if you're feeling confused, help you really understand and talk through options that may be overwhelming to you. And like I said, it doesn't have to be an ongoing thing.
Share
14:15
And so, when it comes to finding a financial planner, you definitely want to find someone that you sync with, that you like, that you're comfortable around because it's a relationship and it's a really important relationship because this is your money. And you are the one that's working so hard for your money.
Share
14:30
So a great place to start looking at financial planners or advisors is CFP. net, which will be able to link you with certified financial planners in your zip code.
Share
Samantha Barry
14:42
This is my analogy, this is how I see it. Imagine you walked into a gym and you had no idea what the equipment was, how to use it. You know, you might get your free personal training session and figure out what you should be doing in that gym.
Share
14:58
You talked about savings and getting everything in order. One thing that came across in Christine's story and I think we've heard from so many people in this last 18 months that the world has changed due to
COVID
, lots of people had to dip into their savings, right?Share
15:11
She said that she, you know, she had to dip into her savings for the cost of a nanny. Many people did that. How does she not get disheartened by that? How does she start working back towards getting those savings back to the place that they should be?
Share
Bola Sokunbi
15:27
So, the one thing I want to help make Christine feel better about, and anyone who's listening to this who has had to dip into their savings eithar that's because of a job loss, emergency childcare, whatever might be as a result of the pandemic.
Share
15:40
That is what that money was designed for. That's the whole point of the emergency fund, it served its purpose. It was there when you needed it. The whole goal of your emergency fund is to cover you when you have an emergency. And so, if you dipped into it, don't feel bad, because that's why it was there.
Share
15:57
And so in terms of replenishing emergency savings, what you can do is create a line item in your budget similar to how you saved for it in the beginning. And just say okay, every time I get paid, every week, every two weeks, I'm going to put in this amount of money because I'm trying to get to this specific amount as my total emergency savings.
Share
16:14
And so you just build it back up slowly. If along the way you have to tap into that fund again for an emergency, it's serving its purpose. So you leverage it when you need to and you replenish it once you're on the other side of that emergency or unplanned situation.
Share
16:30
And so, so many mothers especially, I don't know if you saw the statistics at the end of last year about, you know, just the weight of the pandemic on mothers as caretakers, on women especially, was really, really difficult. Not just physically, mentally and financially as well. So I would say just give yourself the grace. If you had that savings, well done and it served its purpose.
Share
Samantha Barry
16:55
One thing that we're seeing from Christine's story is unexpected health expenses, whether they were for her or, in her case, her father. How do people set themselves up for, that is one of the biggest strains on emergency funds.
Share
Bola Sokunbi
17:08
So I definitely think for someone like Christine, because she's fortunate that she is employed, she has a great job. Really exploring what her health insurance benefits are and not just selecting the cheapest plan, but instead selecting the plan based on what she knows her unique needs are.
Share
17:24
You know, making sure that she's speaking a plan, even though it may have a higher premium, that will cover those costs and potential medical expenses, over the long run that could actually save her a ton of money as opposed to tap into her emergency fund.
Share
17:38
I would also say continuing to buffer her emergency fund in the event that she has out-of-pocket expenses that she needs to pay for right away, and then looking into the life insurance that her father has.
Share
Samantha Barry
17:51
What advice would you give Christine about teaching her kids good money habits?
Share
Bola Sokunbi
17:56
One of the positive things about her story is that she describes herself as being frugal. So she's overcome that issue her parents had of being overspenders, or chronic spenders. And so she's also in this unique position where she can start to teach her children intentionally about being responsible with their finances, about financial well-being, about saving and investing even as she learns, by involving them in her budgeting process and her saving and investing process.
Share
18:26
I have seven-year-old twins, and kids learn by observation more than they learn from listening at this age, really. And so what I do is I involve them in what I do, in going to the grocery store and saying this is our list and this is our budget, let's make this a game. And this is why we want to stick to our budget, so that we can have money to do other fun things.
Share
18:49
So involving them in little things like that and finding opportunities for lesson moments, she can still provide them with the right type of guidance so that when they get to the point where they're making money decisions, they already are equipped to seek out information to help them to do the research in the right way, to help them make that decision even if they didn't get all that information from mom.
Share
19:11
And I would say for her, you know, sometimes when you come from a household where your parents were super spenders and they didn't save anything, you end up being this super tight frugal person. And I would definitely encourage Christine to give herself room to live a little within reason, obviously, within her budget.
Share
19:30
But if there's something nice she wants to treat herself to, don't feel guilty to get your nails done knowing that you're doing all these things to support your father, support your kids, save money etcetera.
Share
Samantha Barry
19:42
I was trying to figure out where the joy in Christine spending was, and I couldn't agree with you more, I think you've got to have those moments of joy, even if you're the most frugal person in the world. Give yourself a little treat, treat yourself.
Share
19:56
One bright spot for Christine is that both of her parents are still financially independent, but for those people listening whose parents are financially dependent on them, how do they set both emotional and financial boundaries?
Share
Bola Sokunbi
20:08
It can be difficult, right? Because they're the one who raised you, it can cause conflict. But I think being objective, being honest and approaching it with an open heart, not as a fight, can really help.
Share
20:23
You know, if your parents are financially dependent on you, then they're going to have to work their expenses according to your budget and what you can afford, right? You can't make up the money. So that is going to have to be a conversation that you bring up.
Share
Samantha Barry
20:38
What are the resources, we talked earlier by financial planners, but for other caregivers listening, where can they go out, where can they go to get help?
Share
Bola Sokunbi
20:46
So if you are living a busy life like Christine, you have kids, you have a parent, you're taking care of, first resource is just looking into your workplace benefits. Many employers offer some sort of estate planning service, estate planning attorneys, access to financial services, financial planners. That can help you take that first step in terms of determining what policies you need, etcetera.
Share
21:07
Alternatively, you can seek out your own financial planner on your own to have that conversation about, you know, "This is my big picture, I need you to help me structure things out". And if you have a bit more time on your hands, then you can start to explore these on your own, listing out what you need, tied your goals, tied to your dependents' needs.
Share
21:26
And then starting to do your research based on reputable companies, reviews that have been placed, and then interviews and having conversations with other people who may have used those services in the past.
Share
21:36
But I definitely would say if you are employed right now, look into what workplace benefits your employer has around estate planning services, around financial planning services. If not definitely visit CFP. net, which is a great resource to find certified financial planners.
Share
Samantha Barry
21:51
And she's 35, She needs to think about retirement savings too, right?
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Bola Sokunbi
21:54
Yeah, not just thinking about retirement for herself, but as a single parent, sole provider, protecting her income. So I also very highly recommend that she looks into disability insurance and certainly life insurance because of her two kids.
Share
Samantha Barry
22:08
I love that. What else?
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Bola Sokunbi
22:09
I think laying out your goals for retirement, a lot of people think that it's so far away. But you want to prioritize that for yourself and make sure that you're at least putting a little bit aside if you can afford to, it fits into your budget, for retirement savings.
Share
22:22
I would say, you know, just reinforcing what I said earlier, which is having the conversation with your parents if you're taking care of them, whether they depend on you financially or not, just really to gain clarity on what the expectations are and what you can afford. And also make sure they have the right type of care, long term care plans and insurance plans and estate plans in place for themselves.
Share
22:45
And I would say when you're having these conversations, ease into them. Don't feel like, especially if the, if the relationship of the conversation is difficult, don't feel like you need to have that entire conversation in one sitting. Pick one part of the whole puzzle and talk about that this week, over dinner when they're both happy.
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Samantha Barry
23:04
Maybe a glass of wine, because they are uncomfortable, right?
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Bola Sokunbi
23:08
It is. And you know, I come from a household where my parents, they taught me, they raised me, they taught me everything, they told me what to do as a kid. And I come now and say you know what, I'm going to tell you what to do with your money.
Share
23:20
We're going to have a fight about that because it's going to be like who are you, who do you think you are? I know more than you. So the way I approach money, conversations with my parents is I tell them, oh you know what, I've been doing this research about this really interesting topic, as it relates to personal finance. What do you think? It can be difficult but once you get past that first conversation, the other conversations become slightly easier.
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Samantha Barry
23:47
Even under the best circumstances, raising kids is expensive. And when you add an aging parent or two to the equation, it can seem impossible to find your bearings, both financially and emotionally.
Share
24:04
No matter who you're supporting or where you stand financially, you need to start your journey by getting yourself on track. The best way to take care of people you love is by taking care of yourself and your own finances first. Prioritize your own mental and physical and financial health. And remember: even small steps are moving in the right direction.
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