Tuesday, Sep 17, 2019 • 27min
Confessions of a Real-Life Shopaholic
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The trope of the woman who can't stop shopping is so relatable that Sophie Kinsella's "Shopaholic" series, which debuted in 2000, is now nine books deep. For Rebecca Bloomwood, the original Shopoholic, and real women like her, shopping might be a social activity, a mood-booster, a stress reliever, or a mindless distraction. In most cases, casual shopping doesn't lead to compulsive shopping: Only about six percent of Americans display that behavior—but of that six percent, 80 percent are women. Here's one woman's story.
Expert: Farnoosh Torabi. We talk about using Healthcare Bluebook to find the best prices for medical procedures. For more information on today's episode, visit glamour.com/money.
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Samantha Barry
Farnoosh Torabi
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Samantha Barry
00:14
She Makes Money Moves is a production of
Glamour
and iHeart Radio
.Share
00:18
Regardless of what our finances are, this is what I'm going to do for myself. I'm going to go get my hair done, I'm going to go get a pedicure. I'm going to spend money on fast food because I work for this too.
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Samantha Barry
00:39
I'm
Samantha Barry
, editor in chief of Glamour
and this is She Makes Money Moves.Share
00:44
For many women, shopping is a social activity. It can be a mood booster, a stress reliever or even a mindless distraction when you're bored. The concept of spending money to treat yourself is so popular it was called out on an episode of
Parks and Rec
.Share
00:59
Once a year, Donna and I spend the day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
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01:03
Clothes.
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01:04
Treat yourself.
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01:05
Fragrances.
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01:06
Treat yourself.
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01:06
Massages.
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01:07
Treat yourself.
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01:08
Mimosa.
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01:08
Treat yourself.
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01:09
Fine leather goods.
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01:11
Treat yourself.
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01:11
It's the best day of the year.
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01:13
The best day of the year!
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Samantha Barry
01:15
Treating yourself generally doesn't lead to compulsive shopping. Only about 6% of Americans display that behavior. But out of that 6%, 80% are women. Whether the woman in question is a co-worker or a pop culture icon, we might laugh when she treats shopping like a sporting event, but we might be a little jealous of her wardrobe.
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01:38
I spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live. I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes.
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Samantha Barry
01:51
Today's guest was never diagnosed as a compulsive shopper, but some of the signs were there. She'd spend money when she felt anxious, stressed or under appreciated, she bought things she didn't need even when she couldn't afford them. She shopped impulsively and she hid her habits.
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02:04
Of course, again, didn't take the bags in the house. To this day he still doesn't know, but if he hears this/ he will.
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Samantha Barry
02:10
She craved the buyers high, the rush she got after treating herself but the aftermath was wrought with guilt.
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02:16
Like I was so ashamed of myself and like, just you know that feeling of "Dominic why would you do that?" Like, you really need to start analyzing like, where is this coming from? Like you're not an irresponsible person, you've always been a responsible person. So where is this now coming from, that you're starting to feel this way or you're starting to make careless decisions like this?
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Samantha Barry
02:39
This is her story.
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02:42
Hi, my name is Dominic Sparrow. I'm 30 years old and I'm from
Roanoke
, Virginia
. My husband and I are currently trying to navigate through a lot of debt, some of the debt I have accrued before I met him. I got my first credit card when I was 18 years old and then I got another one probably a year later.Share
03:03
I didn't really have the full understanding of how credit cards work and, you know, the level of responsibility and how to use them responsibly. I was a college student and I was working at a call center at the time, making maybe $11 an hour. And I had a car payment and so many other bills that I was essentially living off of my credit cards.
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03:25
And then after I met my husband, we got married and we decided to purchase a house a year after we got married. And then my husband and I found out that we were expecting, which was exciting at the time, until a couple months later I went into congestive heart failure.
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03:42
We spent so much time in the hospital and you know, they don't tell you that every tile and all they give you cost, they don't tell you, you know, every service that they're giving you, you know, is really racking up. You don't know those things until you see the bill which doesn't even come until three or four months later.
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04:00
We owed 6 or $7,000, which when you think of open-heart surgery like, oh, that's nothing so thank goodness for insurance. But to us that's a lot. So then you know we're waiting to see, oh my goodness what is the next bill going to be? Which was $4,000. And so that's when I actually started to accumulate hospital bills from having open-heart surgery.
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04:21
So just accumulating those hospital bills, still working at the same call center on roughly the same wage, maybe just a little bit more and trying to come together with all that in addition to having a car payment, the credit card debt, now a mortgage and hospital bills that we were trying to navigate through.
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04:41
We were constantly living paycheck to paycheck, and that was even before we had kids and before we entered our mortgage, even in the stages when we were dating.
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Samantha Barry
04:51
Dominic had graduated and moved from the call center job to a career as a family service specialist. She was making more money, but she was spending even more. She felt trapped living paycheck to paycheck and trapped in the routine of working while raising two children. And that's when she convinced herself that she deserved a little something, a little self-care in the form of a manicure or a trip to the mall.
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05:17
Every day I wake up and I do the same thing, I get up, I get my kids together, I feed them breakfast. You know, if they got to go to the babysitter, I get them ready to go to the babysitter. I rush to work to get there right on time, I sit at work for 8 to 10 hours just depending on what the day is.
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05:32
I come home, I get dinner started and get dinner ready. I try to find, you know, a fun activity for my kids to do so they're just not sitting in the house all day and, and you do this over and over and over again to the point where you feel like, this is all that I do. I'm taking care of everybody else, I'm taking care of my home, I'm taking care of my kids, I'm trying to take care of my husband.
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05:53
I started to really sit back and think and feel like, okay, well I'm, I'm losing myself. I just, all I felt like is that I'm just a mom.
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Samantha Barry
06:01
The fastest way out of mom mode for Dominic always involves spending money.
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06:06
I deserve to be treated, I deserve to go out and do these things, I deserve to have these amenities or enjoy certain luxuries. Even if it's just once in a while I deserve it. That's when you kind of say, regardless of what our finances are, this is what I'm going to do for myself.
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06:24
I'm going to go get my hair done, I'm going to go get a pedicure, I'm going to spend money on fast food because I work for this too. Like, I don't just work 40 plus hours a week to take care of everybody else at the end of the day. What about Dominic? What about for me?
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Samantha Barry
06:38
After their mortgage and bills were paid, Dominic estimates that her and her husband Eric had around $900 left between them every month to cover day-to-day expenses for themselves and their children. They would spend that and then Dominic would spend money they didn't have, often on clothing.
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06:57
The first thing that I'd do is justify and say, "You know, well, I work in the public and people are constantly seeing me, so I have to make sure I look nice, so this is really a necessity, you know? Not just a luxury#. Which is usually the first mistake.
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Samantha Barry
07:10
We'll be back after a quick break.
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Samantha Barry
07:36
I'm
Samantha Barry
, welcome back to She Makes Money Moves. What follows is a story about one day, but there were many other days like it.Share
07:45
So I checked our account and it's only like $5, and I'm like, okay well let me see what my balance is on my credit card, let me see if I have any available money that I can use there. It was a couple outfits, and I think the total that they would have come to was maybe 45. And when I check the balance on my credit card, it was like 49 and some change, maybe.
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08:09
And I did it, I, you know, $5 in our account and you know just enough on a credit card to buy these clothes and here I spent the rest of the money. Not thinking about what if I needed gas, or what if, you know, something came up, not even thinking about that. Just like, I want this, I deserve this, I need it, you know, "for work".
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Samantha Barry
08:33
Dominic kept those bags in the trunk so her husband wouldn't see them, and eventually returned to clothes. But more often than not she'd keep the things she splurged on.
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08:42
There was bills that I got and we didn't even know where we're coming in, and I got to the point where I would not, I would not check my email, I would not check my mailbox. My anxiety from being in debt was so high that it just I couldn't do it.
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08:59
I wouldn't, I wouldn't even open my email, and I would tell my husband, I was like "I'm not, even want to look at the mail, because I know it's bill collectors, I know somebody asking for money". I mean, that was a mistake because one of the bills we actually went to court, where they garnish our wages, and then probably two months later they garnish his wages for another bill.
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Samantha Barry
09:18
For a while, Dominic's husband didn't voice his concerns about her impulse shopping. But two years ago he took a closer look at the family's finances.
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09:26
He was like, "Something has to change, you can't keep doing this. Now let's sit down and look out what's going out versus what's coming in, and how can we manage it so that you still feel like you're able to accommodate the things that you want to do, but maybe just in more moderation, and we can still make sure that our bills are getting paid, that we can still make sure that we have a savings".
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Samantha Barry
09:50
One thing that helped: Eric and Dominic worked out a system where she would get $50 on a prepaid reloadable card every two weeks so she could spend on herself, but she couldn't overspend.
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10:03
Once that $50 is gone on that card, that's it. But you know that this is your limit, so you have to learn how to choose wisely. If I want to get my hair done or get a pedicure, I've learned how to budget that in. I've disciplined myself to say "Okay, Dominic, well just not right now. It's not never, but maybe you just don't need to get your hair done this month". Or maybe a pedicure is not the best thing to do, you know, this week. Maybe give it two more weeks and see what it looks like when your next paycheck comes around.
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Samantha Barry
10:31
Today, Dominic and Eric have paid off most of their credit card debt and hospital bills. They're working with a professional financial advisor through a local credit union and Dominic has resumed checkups with her cardiologist, which she had skipped for at least three years to avoid racking up more hospital bills.
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10:48
We just got to a place of savings this year where we were able to manage our finances well enough to where if my tire blows today, we're not panicking, like where am I going to get $200 to replace your tire? But now I don't have to worry about when a bill comes in, not having the money to pay it though.
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Samantha Barry
11:06
They are now in a better place financially. Dominic worries that her emotional spending could derail them again.
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11:12
There's always that fear of going back and just because you feel good today, don't mean you're going to feel good tomorrow. And so when you don't feel good tomorrow, what are you going to do?
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Samantha Barry
11:35
I started my career as a reporter. So I know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck and spend money you probably shouldn't. So does today's expert,
Farnoosh Torabi,
who racked up $30,000 in debt at age 22. After climbing her way out, she spent more than a decade helping other women do the same.Share
Farnoosh Torabi
11:53
I'm
Farnoosh Torabi
. I'm a financial expert and the host of the So Money podcast.Share
Samantha Barry
11:59
So Farnoosh, there's so much to unpack here. Dominic had a few questions, but this one really sticks out. She's on the right path, but she's worried she's gonna backslide. How can she keep that from happening?
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Farnoosh Torabi
12:11
I think that with a lot anyone who's grappling with emotional spending, it's not about the money, it's about there's some void that you're trying to fill, and so exploring that is really worth your time. Is it that you crave connection? Are you just tired?
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12:28
I think that you have to sort of get to terms with the underlying factors, maybe a little bit of therapy here wouldn't be bad just to kind of explore how her life changed after she became a mom, and how that has impacted her and her sense of self-worth and her sense of purpose.
Share
12:44
Therapy goes a long way but I think that, you know, right away, what you can do is put some systems in place so that you don't get tempted. Don't be on Instagram at 9 o'clock at night before bed, because-
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Samantha Barry
12:55
Or Apple Pay, or Amazon.
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Farnoosh Torabi
12:55
Yeah, a lot of these accounts that we have our credit card automatically tied to them. But if I'm already hooked up and I just got to press buy and the computer already knows my address is auto-filling all of it for me, like, that's dangerous.
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Samantha Barry
13:09
So if you are an emotional spender or an impulse spender, maybe putting some obstacles in the digital era that stop you to doing very immediate purchasing.
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Farnoosh Torabi
13:21
Just having a little bit of having to go an extra mile, an extra effort to get my purse wallet out, get the credit card out and "Oh my god, forget it, I don't want the shirt anyway".
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Samantha Barry
13:30
One of the things that I think I was getting from her story was "Listen, it's hard to be a mom of two". My sister has three kids under the age of six and you need to make time for yourself. But that time for yourself doesn't always need to be something that you spend money on, right? There's other opportunities.
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Farnoosh Torabi
13:46
Spending time for yourself, I get it, I'm a mom too. Sometimes just the quiet is like, such a gift, right? Finding little routines in your week that you can tap into that will help you to feel more reconnected to yourself. That doesn't involve like, going out and spending money.
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14:05
But maybe it's uh free yoga class, you know? It's running yourself a nice warm bath every Sunday night, because that's when you have decided is when your husband's going to take your kids out and you're going to be able to have three hours to yourself.
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Samantha Barry
14:20
And if her husband's taking the kids, she can't use that time to catch up on laundry or pay the bills. None of the boring stuff. This time needs to bring her as much happiness as a manicure our new pair of shoes.
Share
14:31
So she could take that bath, turn on some music, catch up on some celebrity news on
Glamour
. com, these are free, easy ways that can take the edge off emotionally. What's the easiest thing she can do to make herself feel better financially?Share
Farnoosh Torabi
14:45
Automation. This is so important, especially for people who don't trust themselves to make the right decision because they're worried about falling back into bad habits. I mean, it streamlines your life, it keeps you organized.
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14:57
Automating the most important things that she knows she has to accomplish financially every month. Getting that money out of her account to those billers automatically, on time, every month, is paramount. I would also love to add into this some life insurance along the way, because you now do have a family, it's really important.
Share
15:19
Thinking about also putting aside some for retirement, I don't know if she's on that path yet, but working for the government, you know, maybe there's a
401K
or a pension or something, and just automating some of these boring things first, eat your vegetables first, so that you can have the dessert and not have it come with any feelings of guilt or confusion.Share
Samantha Barry
15:40
More on She Makes Money Moves right after this quick break.
Share
15:43
I'm
Samantha Barry
, Welcome back to She Makes Money Moves.Share
15:48
That fallback fund is what we're going to be talking about over and over again in this series. Having that security of being able to deal with unexpected expenses, whether it's health, the loss of a job, a change of apartment, an up and rent. That fallback fund is so important. With Dominic, what's your take on where she is with her health expenses?
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Farnoosh Torabi
16:09
I mean, health expenses are leading cause of bankruptcy in this country. You know with Dominic, it's that the expenses are just so high with our open-heart surgery and it's almost like someone else's mortgage.
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16:21
And I would really love for Dominic to call up the hospital, wherever the bill is coming from for this medical expense, and talk about an easier payment plan. Can she stretch the payments out even more to kind of give them a little bit more breathing room, month to month?
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16:34
Talk to the biller if you can extend the terms and I've negotiated dental bills, like, if you know you're going to get a procedure done, let's say it's a filling or whatever and your doctor is like, "It's going to cost you $800", it doesn't really have to cost me $800.
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16:47
You know, I was reading through consumer reports that your doctor has to be your fiduciary. Like, they have to be your best representative when it comes to your health, but also how you're going to afford that healthcare? You can do that. You can call your doctor and be like, "Ss I got the estimate for this procedure. Can we talk it through?", like this is my budget.
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17:09
Do we have to get it all done this year? Maybe also doing the procedure in two steps. So you do it in this calendar year, at the end of this calendar year, and then maybe the beginning of 2020, when your insurance plan re-ups, right? That's another way to kind of get the whole thing paid for.
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Samantha Barry
17:25
Can you negotiate your health bills?
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Farnoosh Torabi
17:27
Absolutely, you can.
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Samantha Barry
17:27
Talk me through that.
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Farnoosh Torabi
17:28
I mean, it's better to negotiate before the fact but if it's an emergency and you're getting open-heart surgery, there's no time to kind of shop around for the best deal, so to speak. But for everyone listening, yeah.
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17:39
If you know you're going to be going in for, let's, say a procedure that you can get at any hospital or medical provider, there's actually a healthcare BlueBook website. healthcarebluebook. com, and you can type in your geography, your zip code and like, braces, or you know, LASIK surgery or whatever it is. And they can find you quotes.
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Samantha Barry
17:59
Yeah, this site tells you the fair price of everything based on your zip code. But if you get a medical bill and there's a shock, can you negotiate the bill after it's sent?
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Farnoosh Torabi
18:10
You can't lower the bill necessarily, but you may be able to come up with more amenable payment plans. You also have to realize that a lot of medical bills have errors, there might be some line items in there.
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Samantha Barry
18:21
This is what I was getting at. I have a friend, she's a lawyer. Every time she gets a medical bill she goes through it line by line, because there are often errors. You're the one that is responsible for going through line by line.
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Farnoosh Torabi
18:33
It takes time, but when you're talking about a bill that's thousands of dollars, I mean, my time is worth that, you know? I'm going to spend an hour to figure this out if it means saving myself a lot of money.
Share
18:44
It's happened to me. I got a bill, I had a procedure done and I had insurance, but then I got the bill. And first of all the date of the procedure was wrong. I got this bill and I was like, "I thought that the insurance company was supposed to pay for it". I called first, and I told them what had happened and they said you know what? Don't communicate with them anymore. They need to communicate with us. The biller has made a mistake.
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19:07
You know, you have a right as a medical patient, there are advocates out there who can work on your behalf too, to like kind of chase this bill down for you. There's the patient advocate foundation and they also have a free app that you can go on and basically, you know, find resources to help you negotiate these terms or at least get more educated about these terms.
Share
19:32
But at the very least talk about payment plans, and do check your line items to make sure that things that they're claiming were done, you got done. And that you know, some things should be covered by insurance, and maybe there was a slip through the cracks and they're charging you for it.
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Samantha Barry
19:48
There are a lot of bumps in Dominic's financial journey, but it seems that she's in a good place now. They're on track, they're out of credit card debt and I really like that her and her husband work together on getting them into a better financial place. She truly wants to do better..
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Farnoosh Torabi
20:03
Having someone in your life that pulls you up and pulls you out and says, "Okay, you know, Dominic, let's get back to our monthly goals" and, you know, "How's your budget going?", and "Do you need me to do anything for you, and I found this cool website?", you know, to kind of be working for you on your behalf as you're running your life is invaluable.
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Samantha Barry
20:24
Okay, well Dominic, we have high hopes for you, you're on the right path. I think she's got a good start already.
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Farnoosh Torabi
20:29
Yeah, my gosh, she's got a life ahead of her. I love that, I love hearing from women in their twenties who care so much about their money. Look, you're not alone, you know? Like, there's a whole world of you out there, so let's start connecting and talking.
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Samantha Barry
20:44
We've heard over and over again that women feel better when they start talking about money. If you're spending money that you know deep down you shouldn't be, it's time to get on a different financial path. Talk to someone you trust. Or if that's too hard, you can start by finding an online support group. Every small step is a step in the right direction. If you're moving forward.
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