Thursday, Jan 27, 2022 • 23min
Potty Learning - How and Why to Let Children Lead the Way
Play Episode
While every child will eventually and inevitably learn to use the potty, the process can be stressful, frustrating, and often counterproductive for both the child and caregiver. Janet knows it doesn’t have to be this way. She offers her perspective on the process and a potty learning method that recognizes a child’s natural motivation to achieve this milestone (they can do this), and how parents can support the effort without pressure, bribes, or deal-making. The result is a child whose self-confidence grows in all areas because he has been allowed to own this accomplishment.
Thanks again to Ritual Vitamins for supporting this podcast. Turn healthy habits into a Ritual today and get 10% off your first 3 months by visiting www.ritual.com/respect.
For more advice on common parenting issues, please check out Janet's best-selling books on Audible, FREE with a 30-day trial membership if you use this link: adbl.co/2OBVztZ. Paperbacks and e-books are also available at Amazon, Google Play, Barnes & Noble and Apple Books.
Janet's exclusive audio series "Sessions" is available for download. This is a collection of recorded one-on-one consultations with parents discussing their most immediate and pressing concerns (www.SessionsAudio.com).
Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands
Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Read more
Talking about
Speakers
(1)
Janet Lansbury
Transcript
Verified
Janet Lansbury
00:02
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury, Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I'm going to be talking about potty learning and I want to preface the perspective I share as a perspective, obviously not the only way or even for some people, maybe the best way to go about helping our children learn to use the potty.
Share
00:25
There are a lot of different methods parents choose, and they all seem to result eventually, at least in people who are toilet trained, because adults that we know are mostly toilet trained. So please know this is just a singular perspective that I know for sure works and I want to share all about it today.
Share
Break
Janet Lansbury
02:12
So, as you may have gathered from the title of this episode, the approach I believe in is to allow our children to lead and direct and navigate this process with our support. And first I want to explain why I believe this is the best way. Because they can, children are able to do this, they can own this accomplishment.
Share
02:38
And that may seem like an unimportant aspect to some people, but with the approach that I teach with
Magda Gerber's
approach, we value tremendously the self motivation and the inner directed nous of our children from birth and that means as much as possible, we want to nurture that we want to allow them to do the things that they're able to do right from the beginning.Share
03:04
We want to try to hold space for that encourage that so that children can continue to believe in themselves that they are capable, that they can accomplish, not just the things that we want them to, but the things that they innately want to do and learning to go on the potty is one of them because they know that other people do this, and they see that we do this, their parents and adult caregivers, they will naturally want to achieve this on their own.
Share
03:39
Accomplishments build on themselves. So when we allow our baby to be the one to decide to reach for and eventually grasp a toy, rather than putting it into their hands one day, maybe they don't do it in the manner that we would wish, or maybe they don't pick up the toy that we think they should pick up, they pick up another one, but eventually they do this. And every one of those experiences builds self-confidence.
Share
04:08
Encourages them to trust their innate competence and encourages us to as well, because we see that our children can do things because we've held space for that and not done everything for them ourselves. And we will see again and again, "Oh, wow, my job can do that too."
Share
04:27
Another reason I believe in child, let is that it helps us to avoid complication. That often happens. Well, I hear about it a lot, because the parents reaching out to me, a lot of them have experienced this issue where they tried to help their child make potty training happen and their child resisted. Sometimes parents don't even realize that their agenda is being felt by their child.
Share
04:54
Maybe they aren't talking about it a lot, but the child is sensing that they want them to potty-train, or sometimes they've overtly tried to make potty training happen and the child resists. And I know this because parents will say to me sometimes, well, I did let my child lead mostly, but they refused to even go on the potty.
Share
05:17
When somebody uses the word refuse. It connotes that a child has been asked to do something or feels the parent wants them to do something, otherwise they couldn't refuse. So what happens is that children, as they're becoming toddlers and some get this even earlier in the infant months, they're beginning to individuated as separate people from us.
Share
05:41
That is part of their healthy development as people is to want to be more independent, want to do it themselves, want to see where their power is. And so when we're trying to help a child potty-train in those toddler years, which is when it's commonly done, then our child has this natural urge to resist us.
Share
06:04
That's why toddlers are famous for saying, "No." Acting in ways that we don't want them to, not doing what we asked them to do, not "listening", making their own decisions about whatever the rules are. If they're going to follow them or not. That's healthy for them to be that way, and when we're trying to potty-train them, we're playing right into that without meaning to that need for a child to resist.
Share
06:31
So now they're resisting us not because they don't actually want to potty learn, but for the sake of resisting us. As a toddler, I want to be my own person. If you tell me where I sense you want me to do something, I want to do the opposite, it's a healthy developmental impulse in me. So toilet training can bring that on in a way that frustrates us as parents.
Share
06:59
But if we allow a child to completely own and lead this process, then they're not going to resist us there. They're going to resist us in other ways, but not in this one. So that won't get in the way, there won't be emotional power struggle, issues that impede the process.
Share
07:17
The third reason why I believe in child-led potty learning is that in my experience it's much easier, and I'm all for easy, I'm all for effortless. We have too many things to do as parents as it is. The toddler years are exhausting, emotionally exhausting, physically exhausting for us. It's all happening. There's a lot going on.
Share
07:41
And as I said to a parent, I was consulting with, if we can take the poop off of our plate, that's one less thing, right, that we have to deal with. How our child is potty learning. But what it does require of us is a different kind of challenge. So we're not challenged to try to figure out how to get our child to do this and get our child to do that and how to make it happen.
Share
08:03
But we're challenging an emotional way to let go and trust. I talked about this a lot on a lot of different topics around children because it's not easy. I talked about a lot because it's difficult. I know it's difficult, you know, it feels like we're letting go.
Share
08:21
How can we really trust this person to do something when they're that little and what if they don't, and it's challenging, but that is the challenge that I recommend around toilet learning to really not just say to ourselves that we're not going to push it, but to really believe in our child. They will do it just the way they grasped that toy that they chose to grasp, and they were ready to just as they walked, just as they started talking, they can do this.
Share
08:52
So those are the three reasons, because they can, and it's so healthy for them to achieve autonomously. Two because, we don't want to play into toddler resistance if we can help it. And three, because it's less work for us, and less confusing for us to try to figure it out.
Share
09:12
Okay now I want to move on to how. How do we do this? Because trusting our children and then being able to accomplish something does not happen in a vacuum. And that is very true with toilet learning. What our job is, is to nurture the environment that encourages children to not only achieve for themselves, but to feel comfortable about their bodily functions and understand them.
Share
09:42
The best, most organic way to do that is the way that we diaper change with a baby. Do we slow down instead of distracting them? Do we invite them to pay attention to what's happening with their body parts, using the real names for body parts.
Share
09:60
Being careful not to teach children that there's something gross or awful or smelly or disgusting about their bodily functions. Even if we think that's true, imagine how that feels to a child when now they're expected to go in the potty, they can have shame around their feces and their urine. They can feel fear around letting this go, letting this out because people have reacted to it in a way that was negative.
Share
10:31
So I would take care in the words that you choose in your attitude in a way we have to be kind of professional about this aspect of caring for a child.
Share
10:41
The way a nurse caring for a very elderly, incontinent adult would treat that. They wouldn't say, "Ah, this is so gross and smelly," right? It's really important with children, if we want them to have a healthy relationship to their body and their bodily functions, we don't want shame and fear to get in the way. So normalizing and that's something that we cultivate, beginning with our newborn, we narrate the diaper change so that our child knows what's happening, understands the self-care aspects.
Share
11:19
Doesn't feel self-conscious or shame or fear. And then communication is a big part of this process all the way through again. Starting with your baby and then also noticing signs of readiness, which doesn't mean that we jump on it and say, "Okay, now I'm going to train you, you're ready." I mean, it doesn't mean that with this perspective anyway.
Share
11:41
It's for our own information.
Magda Gerber
used to say there are three ways that children need to be ready. Physically, they need to be able to hold in their bodily functions until they can get to a potty. So that has to happen.Share
11:57
Then cognitively they understand what the potty is and what to do and then emotionally and that's the one again where it can backfire with parents. If the child is emotionally in that period of resistance and the parent is nudging or pushing them in a direction.
Share
12:19
Also, emotionally, it can be tougher if there have been emotions created around these experiences of diaper changes and things like that. So that one gets in the way most often. But yeah, just understanding that those all have to be in place and that we can't rush developments and that this, like many developments, is not a linear process.
Share
12:44
So for many children there will be times they want to go on the potty and then maybe there are stressors or challenges in their life feelings that they hold back again, and they need to be in diapers again for a while, you know, they've moved houses or there's a new baby or something. It's common for children to have this not be a direct linear process.
Share
13:07
So if we can understand that as parents, then we'll worry less and our expectation will be in line with what's actually going on. I would, at some point with your child, um, when they're probably around one and a half or at least on their feet walking. I would get a small potty and have it in your bathroom. I wouldn't have it out in the playroom and have it be a toy that children do whatever they want with. Like the other toys that we have in their play area.
Share
13:37
It has a specific purpose, It's in the bathroom, it's just there. We don't bring focus to it, we don't put pressure around it, but here's the thing, and now we want you to do this. We don't have an agenda. It's just there. So that when our child wants to experiment, they can.
Share
13:58
And then I would say to my child at some point, especially if they're starting to show signs that they're telling me ahead of time that they are moving their bowels or have to urinate, then I would say it looks like you're telling me you have to pee, or it looks like you have to pee.
Share
14:15
The potty is there if you ever want to try, I'll take you there, or we might even say do you wanna try the potty? But this has to be the most open-ended, I totally trust you and I really don't care subtext. Because again, there are children that are very, very sensitive to our tone, our agendas, and we don't want that to get in the way.
Share
14:37
But I would make it clear at some point that you're available to help anytime your child wants to try. And I would do that, probably even before two years old. You know, as soon as I got the potty, maybe I would say if you ever want to use the potty, and you want help, let me know.
Share
14:54
And then I would drop it not just with my child but with myself. And what will happen is our child will want to try it one time and maybe run off on their own and do it, or we're there, but there'll be a time that they do it that they pee in the potty.
Share
15:13
And I know some advisors recommend doing a big hoopla around that and a big celebration. I wouldn't because again, that can read to a child like, "I'm so happy, this is about me, I'm relieved, I'm excited," and it can be distracting for a child, and it can take them into resistance mode maybe.
Share
15:37
And also it just kind of takes ownership of the experience from them. It becomes more about us and how excited we are. I mean, we can be excited, but I wouldn't have a big to-do. I would say something more like, "How, you went on the potty this time, How did that feel?" Or "That's pretty cool, right?"
Share
15:59
Whatever words you would use, but just a mellow, authentic connected response, more interested in what our child's thinking than how excited we are. And then I wouldn't again see that this is now done, and my child is going to do this every time.
Share
16:19
I would note that might just be an anomaly for now, and we'll see, keep letting it go. Not bringing it up every day, not bringing it up even every week, you know, at the most offering it when your child seems to be needing to go, then you could say, "Do you want to go on the potty?" or "If you ever want me to help you with your diaper" or "If your child is gonna pull up at this point, maybe let me know, and I will give you a hand," but I would use that very sparingly.
Share
16:49
But then there's a point when your child is doing this regularly. That's the point where I would say, "You know, it seems like you're going on the potty now, you want to wear underwear instead of diapers?" and they would probably say yes to that. What can happen sometimes with the parents that I hear from is that they bring up the idea of underwear, and then our child senses our excitement about that.
Share
17:14
So they want to wear the underwear, but they're actually not ready to wear the underwear and the parent feels understandably like, "Oh gosh, I don't want to discourage this underwear thing, but at the same time they're having accidents all over the house, but I don't want to say no to underwear if my child is asking for it." That right there is where a boundary needs to be, in my opinion, that we say not because it's a punishment, and you've stepped back, and now you have to go back into diapers, but it's my job as your parents to help you stay comfortable.
Share
17:49
So we're going to keep the diapers on you, so you don't have to worry, I don't want you to have to worry about going on the potty when you're ready. I know you'll do it, I believe in you. So a very honest caring boundary.
Share
18:03
And again, if we stay in letting go mode, then we won't find ourselves in these little traps where now we're excited, and you know, it can also happen that our child says, "I want to sit on the potty," and we say, "Okay," and now they're sitting there and sitting there and sitting there and want us to read them books or do all these things, and we're feeling like, "Oh my gosh, I don't want to discourage this. So I'm gonna, got to do this right, I've got to like hang out with my child for half an hour in the bathroom when they want me to or before bed or whatever it is."
Share
18:38
But the reason we get stuck there is that we're so afraid that this is a delicate process, which it really isn't, it's only delicate in the emotional areas. But when our child wants to do this, they'll do it. No reasonable boundary that we have will get in the way of the process.
Share
18:56
So we don't have to worry that if I do something reasonable, like say, okay, let's go to the potty for a few minutes and let's see. And then we say, "You know what, I think you can try again another time, just let me know, no pressure."
Share
19:11
But being reasonable, not feeling hamstrung, that we've got to make this happen our child's way, however they wanted to. That's where the boundaries have to come in because if we look at why we're getting stuck there, it's because we're afraid or that we really want this to happen so badly that we're willing to do anything and our child will feel those exact things coming from us, and it won't be helpful.
Share
19:36
And another thing that can get in the way sometimes is if we generally struggle with boundaries, like I definitely did in the beginning with my daughter, but some people kind of set me straight early on. So I was getting it and one of those people was mobbed up, and so I can understand how it happens, especially with the approach I teach that is follow the child, let the child lead and the parents let the child lead everything and doesn't understand that the child leading is in a context of boundaries, predictable solid boundaries that the parent has.
Share
20:09
If those boundaries aren't in place, that actually holds them back in developments like potty training. It's harder if they feel like they don't have that security of those rules and boundaries around them. So sometimes that's why delays are caused. Other times I would check out physical reasons.
Share
20:30
Dr. Steven Hodges was on my podcast, and he talks all about some kind of surprising physical things that can be going on with a child who's very delayed toilet learning or having accidents. So I would check that out. Let's see, let's cover some of the other issues that come up. School, I want my child to go to this preschool, and they have to be potty-trained. What do I do? I've got to make it happen.
Share
20:57
Well, early childhood educators who understand child development, which they all should, know that this isn't a hard line between children who can and can't go on the potty, it's a process. Again, not a linear process either.
Share
21:14
So I have found that most schools are a little more open than they may present themselves to be. But if the school absolutely isn't for this care situation, and you really need to talk to go there, I would consider a couple of things.
Share
21:30
One, I would consider if you could do less hours because oftentimes even a child who is potty-trained will hold, especially if they didn't come to potty training of their own volition completely. They will hold while they're at school.
Share
21:45
So while that may be okay for a few hours, we don't want that to be for the full day, ideally. If you're really concerned, and you need to make a deadline in terms of your child being potty-trained, I would still, instead of trying to make it happen or coax it to happen or use rewards and bribes and all of that stuff. Pitting yourself against your child. We accidentally do that when we use those kind of tactics.
Share
22:13
It's a kind way of doing it. But we're still saying, "Okay, I want you to do something for me, so I'm going to do something for you," and it becomes about us. But what we can do is still work with our child on the situation by being very honest and open, and then we still have to let go and trust.
Share
22:34
But I've seen this happen with so many families, first of all who were projecting six months ahead and that interfered with them being able to trust and then because of that they got in the way of something that probably could have happened with trust their child doing this with their own volition.
Share
22:49
I would partner with my child on this and say there's this place school that we want you to go to and maybe our child gets to go see it, and we think you have so much fun that you'd really love it. The only thing about it is the children there, they go on the potty. So we would love to try to help you go on the potty so that you can go there. So please let us know if there's anything we can do that would help make it easier for you. At that point, I would still let go. I know it's going to be very, very scary to let go.
Share
23:20
But that's the best chance that we have I believe of getting what we want and still allowing our child to reap the benefits. Now, let's say that we have been leading toilet training. I hear from a lot of parents who are having difficulties, and it's not working, and their child seems to be resisting what can they do to turn this around, and really it's simple.
Share
23:47
Let go, trust your child. Let them know honestly that you realize that you've been trying to get them going with potty training, but you realize that they are totally capable of doing this. You know they will, and they're ready, "Just please let me know if there's anything I can do to help," and that's it. But really letting go, not just saying the words, really trusting.
Share
24:12
So I think I could do a whole series on this topic because there's a lot to say, but I'll just leave it there for today. Again, this isn't the only way, it's the way that I believe in a hundred percent. Thank you so much for listening. For more, please check out the posts and all the podcasts on my website, they're all categorized by topic.
Share
24:32
And you should be able to find whatever you're looking for, there's many of them there. I have a piece called three reasons kids don't need potty training, and that will fill in some things that I talked about today. Also, if you're not aware of my books, please check them out. They're bestsellers on Amazon. "No Bad Kids Tell Their Discipline Without Shame." and "Elevating Childcare: A Guide to Respectful Parenting."
Share
24:54
They're available on audio at audible. com. And you can get one for free by using a link in the liner notes of this podcast. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an e-book at Amazon, Google Play,
Barnes and Noble
and apple. com. And if you find this podcast helpful, you can help it to continue by giving it a positive review on itunes and by supporting my sponsors. Thank you again, we can do this. Yeah.Share
Add podcast
🇮🇹 Made with love & passion in Italy. 🌎 Enjoyed everywhere
Build n. 1.38.1
Janet Lansbury